he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
