He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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