and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
