last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
