That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
