I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
