Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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