Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
how drunk are you?
Several
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
