Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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