Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I seem to have left my pride at pride
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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