We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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