my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
