I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
