I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
