I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
