you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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