We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
