i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
