i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
