Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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