Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
