I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
