Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
