I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
