Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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