Im at strip club and am horny
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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