I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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