Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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