i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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