i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
