I faked an abortion last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're a waste of cheezeits
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
