You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
