New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
