so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Who died my cat blue again?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
