Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
