Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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