Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
