Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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