i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Randomize
