I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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