I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
