an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
