I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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