Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
