By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How external is "for external use only"?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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