It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
