Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
