I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
