I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
