worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
